Balance Cock Bugle
Horological satire – sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves
FT LAUDERDALE, FL – Last week, several witnesses confirmed the sighting of a middle-aged man frequent the shores of Cannon Beach, a stretch of sandbar notably adjacent to the Atlantic Ocean—in spite of there being a Rolex Submariner affixed to his wrist. Seemingly undeterred by the surf, sources recalled a display of “alarming nonchalance” as the half-naked figure transitioned between building sand castles and full submersion below waves. ‘“Oh nothing, just rinsing off,” he’d say,” recalled a local with disbelief. “And then he’d just waltz in there… waist deep… with the Rolex on his wrist and everything.” He paused to find his words until they finally flared all at once, “Like it was just no big fu**ing deal that the thing was gonna get wet!” Lifelong native Andrew Rencher commented, “You know, sometimes, you just sort of try and pretend like you don’t live in a world of clichés. But, like, you can’t escape the unexpected, right?” He sifted through headlines through the past, “Florida Man beer bongs a gator. Said name Florida man weds gator. Florida Man builds makeshift raft out of betrothed blowup dolls; Divorces gator. Florida Man drinks Diet Coke. But never once in my whole life could I have expected some dude just rock a Rollie in the water and be like, ‘What? It’s supposed to be waterproof.”’ He readjusted his sunglasses. “Get a clue, amigo.” “I guess technically it’s not their responsibility to do anything about it,” another bystander commented, “But you’d think a lifeguard would at least try and talk some sense to him.” He furrowed his brow at the memory. “This whole state has lost its goddamned mind.” “Tell you what,” he added. “If you ever catch me rockin’ a sub… like, any sub… not just the 116610… within eyesight of a boat……
Stultz is among a small but growing population to experience side effects after prolonged exposure to their Casio G-Shock, the timepiece of choice for the “go-anywhere do-anything” tactical professional. For him, and select individuals who share his affliction, the shift in change can be felt by others in its wake.